Changing Channels, Changing Wives

A Catholic Family Column by Deacon Tom Fox

There is a saying that has found a home in my memory cells to use when it’s appropriate. I believe it originated on the Seinfeld TV show many years ago. It goes: “Men don’t want to know what’s on TV; men want to know what else is on TV.” I have a friend — Deacon Don who is the epitome of that statement. Don is always in control of the TV’s remote — and this family has the ‘picture in a picture’ feature on their TV. Don is forever… I mean endlessly switching pictures on the main screen while commanding other images into the smaller display screen, and then bringing one of the small images up onto the main display. His dear wife is used to it and doesn’t say anything — but it seems endlessly impatient and restless.

When I’ve used that joke about men and TV — I’ve often thought to myself that that well could be a saying about men who have frequent attention and diversion towards other women. And in certain parts of our culture, it seems that many change wives with an ease that threatens even the notion of marriage vows or lifetime unions.

I was in the midwest recently — in an area that might be considered the middle of the Bible belt. It could be anywhere out there — but my attention and the thrust of my observations has to do with Missouri. There are more Biblically-based mega-churches and Christian faith walks in this part of the country. And it must be a certain truth now that the idea of permanent marriage in most of these Christian churches is an illusion.

There are so many divorces and remarriages in these parts — and so many people live together before they are married — I just don’t know what their preachers are teaching or saying to them. I just don’t know how Biblically-based faiths can disregard the historic understandings of marriage. And of course, we could extend this topic area to same sex unions, to contraception and to abortion.

I’m in a (real, sacramental, permanent) marriage sort of mood as I write this column. I have come to value my DW so much in recent years — a gift resulting from the strong marriage rebuilding and repair work they did with us deacon candidates during the four year formation period for deacons in the Archdiocese of Denver. I know — I think both Dee and I know of a time when we were not blessed with a happy and sound marriage. It must have been… must have been a Grace-moment that had us both saying ‘yes’ again to marriage the way it should be. It didn’t happen over-night. It wasn’t always pretty. It wasn’t easy. And it isn’t perfection — but we are in love.

Last weekend — I traveled from Arizona to Colorado. I had been invited by a beautiful woman to come to our old parish in Estes Park and to do the homily and the vows for Elizabeth’s marriage to Michael. I had been delegated (given permission) to do these tasks during a Mass. It was a special honor — and one that doesn’t happen often because the priest is most normally the presider over the liturgy and to be the official witness of the Church for the couple being married. The tender thing to share with you about this invitation was this. Elizabeth said to me many times during our planning that they wanted a holy, sacramental marriage. She said that the reception was simply an opportunity to give people a meal. There were no brides maids — no best man or other men involved in the ceremony. Many non-Catholics attended — and the continuing comment that people shared with me or with the bride and groom was how beautiful — how intimate and holy the marriage ceremony (and Mass) were.

Most of us know of Scott Hahn, the former Protestant Minister and now a prolific Catholic author, professor at Franciscan University — and a happily married family man. I love the way he talks about his beautiful wife, Kimberley. I met Dr. Hahn in Ohio a few years ago as I asked him to autograph a book he had written. I’ve listened to his lectures — but have never had the opportunity to attend a talk by his wife. I did find a quote from Mrs. Hahn in a book she wrote about marriage:

“If you want a successful marriage – and if you want your children to have successful marriages – it is important to live marriage God’s way. He is the one who made us, after all, and he is the one who designed marriage. This is why the queen mother of Proverbs 31 says to her son, ‘Do you know how to recognize a good woman for a wife? Listen carefully to know what to value in a wife; then choose wisely.’”  Kimberly Hahn
Chosen And Cherished: Biblical Wisdom For Your Marriage, Servant Books

And I would add only this — intend to choose a spouse for life.

Blessings.

Deacon Tom
www.deacontomonline.com
www.catholicvitamins.com
www.catholicmoments.com
www.catholicmom.com

CF 126: Simplicity

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In this episode:  The Catholic Family retools the show: Living Simply Within Your Means, giving campaigns, separating the kids, movies, school’s back in session, tuba Christmas, reading the bible with your kids.

Links in this episode:

http://www.excellenceinwriting.com/

Call our feedback line at 206-339-8993 or email us [at] catholicfamilypodcast [dot] com

Final Song: Adrina Thorpe – Did You Think

Episode Graphic: Simplicity by todo-el-mundo

Musically Touching Hearts at Christmas

Hello and well-wishes from Deacon Tom and Dee Fox. We greet and care for the Sweeney Family in Texas. And through this column, we hope we reach some or many of their listeners. We send you Christmas greetings and warm holiday wishes.

We have a person in our family who has been through a lot. She is twice divorced and currently a single mom. She is raising a teen and two young children. She has become quite toughened by life experiences, some resulting from impetuous decisions she’s made. She has often said she has virtually lost the capability to cry any more. Now while she is a very good and caring person, and does things for the poor and needy, things don’t deeply move her or touch her heart. I think this is so sad, and we pray for this person quite a bit.

On the other hand, I am an unabashed softy. So many things move me and get me ‘verklempt.’ Many months ago on the Catholic Mom site, I wrote a column on the Gift of Tears — and would you believe I’m still getting email about the words I shared there? There are a number of us who are touched — or pricked by a beauty unseen by others.

I guess there would be a goodly segment of the world, especially the macho men who would say you don’t have to cry to be a nice person. True enough.

There are things that quickly touch my heart, and I wonder if you have such areas? Not the same ones as I have of course. But do you have special areas of tenderness?

Yesterday, my wife and I went to a Christmas chorale concert. For our small town, this is a wonderful group — 70 some strong. Men and women and some teens — all who love to sing. They have auditioned and when chosen, they have rehearsed for months to put on two shows at Christmas and two shows in the Spring.

When 70 people blend their voices to share beautiful Christian hymns — and a number of nice commercial holiday tunes — this softens me up for Christmas. There must have been 300 appreciative people in the audience, and we stood at the conclusion of the uplifting seasonal concert.

Speaking of music — one of my all-time favorite Christmas CD’s is called WINTERFALL. The music is led by Lee Spears and Donna Beck Michael and was produced and published by Thistlegate Productions. This album features a hammered dulcimer, piano, guitar, English horn and a cello. On a website called Christmasreviews.com, a Carol Swanson wrote these words, “This excellent recording is minimalist instrumental folk music of the sweetest kind. The music is oh-so-soothing and even life-affirming. This recording is not fearful of silence, letting thoughtful pauses speak volumes… I have two favorite cuts on Winterfall, and they are the final two on the disc. “Midnight Clear” (”It Came Upon a Midnight Clear”) is an exquisite arrangement, an intensely beautiful mélange built upon a complex and fragile structure.” Swanson concludes her review: “Winterfall is an excellent Christmas CD. In a high-anxiety world of over-cranked volumes, this recording is a breath of fresh winter air.” We played a little bit from one of the cuts of this CD on our Catholic Vitamin N – Nativity program released recently.

Why consume so many words about a CD you may never hear? Because to listen to this CD is to experience what Carol Swanson and the Deke and his daughter have experienced. It touches us and says the season of Christ’s birth is almost here’ when we start playing Winterfall.

Oh — one more (almost silly) thing as I think about music. Many years ago I found an inexpensive album with the late John Denver and the Muppets. It’s called A CHRISTMAS TOGETHER. As hokey as the Muppets may sound when talking about Christmas music, I really enjoy some of the cuts, e.g. The Peace Carol and a wonderful gospel-sounding song, “When the River Meets the Sea.”

As I began the thought process of preparing this piece for the Catholic Family site, my thoughts were about asking you if your heart is hardened at and by the Christmas season? Have you lost the capability to be moved by It’s a Great Life when you see a replay of that movie? Have you lost the capability to smile deeply by children in a nativity play? Have you lost the capability to see beauty in a season when you’ve got gifts to buy and wrap and decorations to put up and not enough real help around the house?

I would bet that the Infant of Bethlehem wouldn’t wish that upon you. He’d love for you to be happy and be open enough to be touched by the Christmas message once again. In the song When the River Meets the Sea, there are these words, “We are born and born again most gracefully… when the river meets the Almighty Sea.”
You and I are the river. We are invited to see and contribute to the beauty of God’s work on earth. You and I might do well to ask the Lord for a special gift this Christmas: “Lord — in some way, let us hear the angels who sing for you also sing for us. Just as the angels sang to brighten skies over the area of your birth, and were heard by people waiting in hope, let it be so for us. Whether at a nursing home or in a Christmas concert or a child’s tender efforts at a Christmas gift for us… Lord, let Your music of this season and of renewal touch our hearts.

Blessings again.
Deacon Tom
www.catholicvitamins.com
www.deacontomonline.com
www.catholicmoments.com
www.catholicmom.com

CF 125: Kid’s Edition

In this episode, the Catholic Family Kids have a little fun. Since they deleted the shownotes, who knows what they are talking about?

email thekids [at] catholicfamilypodcast [dot] com or call 206-339-8993 to leave feedback.

CF 124: The Power of Prayer

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In this episode: Wood Badge, Confirmation,  Catholic Charlotte Mason idea, Director of Planned Parenthood resigns, Mail Bag: Dee from,  AZ, Pamella from Glasgow. Final Song: Flame of Freedom by Grandbury Live.

Is Your Church Broken?

One of the topics that I think I need to write about every once in a while is the brokenness of the Church. Those of us in new media — we don’t do this very much… we keep a pretty positive profile on our output and sharing. And yet — most of can see and experience things that tell us that there is a brokenness in us. And if there’s a brokenness in us — there most certainly is some measure of brokenness in our Church. I would want to paraphrase what follows — and you may not agree with some of these thoughts that were just sent to me the other day. These are from the late author and speaker Henri J. M. Nouwen:

“Over the centuries the Church has done enough to make any critical person want to leave it. Its history of violent crusades, pogroms, power struggles, oppression, excommunications, executions, manipulation of people and ideas, and constantly recurring divisions is there for everyone to see and be appalled by.

Can we believe that this is the same Church that carries in its center the Word of God and the sacraments of God’s healing love? Can we trust that in the midst of all its human brokenness the Church presents the broken body of Christ to the world as food for eternal life? Can we acknowledge that where sin is abundant, grace is superabundant, and that where human promises are broken over and again, God’s promise stands unshaken? To believe is to answer yes to these questions.”

Ah! Superabundant graces and God’s promises from here into eternity. Now those words give me hope. Those words add balance. Those words tell me the Church isn’t as dark as the bold letters shown above.

Let me share a couple of God’s promises that I have had personal experience with. There was a black priest from Africa. He came to Colorado to attain a doctorate in civil engineering. He is a Dominican priest and his order gave him his Colorado assignment so he could ultimately go back to Africa and work on water purification and land hydration issues. He wasn’t assigned to our parish, but he came as a visiting priest a few weekends — and he absolutely set people’s hearts on fire.

This priest’s name is Fr. Marcel Zibognon — and I asked him if he would satisfy a requirement that was imposed on me as a first year deacon candidate. I had to have a priest as a spiritual advisor. Fr. Marcel said he would be ‘so happy’ to do this with me. He said that we would learn to journey together and from each other. How’s that for refreshing hope wrapped in humility? He was exactly what I needed then.

Now here’s what I want to share with you. Fr. Marcel wasn’t always an on-fire Catholic. He told me that as a young teen, he was leading a life of self-pleasure, hedonism and that he had left the practice of the Catholic Church. Despite his self-centered lifestyle, Marcel got involved in a visit to France for World Youth Day. And as I I remember him telling the story, he got to be physically quite close to the Holy Father – and Marcel said he strongly felt something inside inviting him to give up his lifestyle.

Fr. Marcel says there was such Christian magnetism, radiated holiness and such a call to action that it was like an aura that surrounded Pope John Paul. That one exposure led Marcel to go through a profound life-changing conversion. He went to Confession, started back to the sacraments – he started praying about what to do with his life. And then he felt the call to the priesthood. And in the superabundant dole of graces from the Lord, Fr. Marcel helped dozens… no hundreds of us to try to be better believers.

The second story also relates to John Paul II — and I do this because it is my premise for this article that where and when necessary, God restores, rebuilds, shores-up or renovates His Holy Catholic Church. And much of the restoration comes about from abundant  ‘infused’ graces.

Were you aware that John Paul II, as pope also did a World Youth Day event in Colorado in the 1980’s? Did you read or has anyone told you the effect that the Holy Father had on young people? We’ll never know the number of vocations and re-versions to the faith from Colorado, like Father Marcel’s experience that happened in France. But here’s another nugget.

There is a beautiful retreat center called St. Malo north and west outside of Denver. It is picturesque, surrounded by mountains and hiking trails through the national forests in that area. After WYD in Denver, they took the Holy Father up to St. Malo for a day and a half of rest and restoration. There are pictures of the Pope’s visit there. It looked funny to see the pope’s familiar long white garment on with tennis shoes sticking out the bottom. Down about 500 yards from the retreat center is Colorado Highway number 7.

Some former parishioners who lived near St. Malo told us that Holy Father John Paul was out walking along the side of Highway 7.  Traffic was coming to a stand-still along the highway. Can you imagine Fred and Ethel driving along and Fred sees what looks like the Pope walking along the road? Ethel might reply, “Oh you’re crazy — a priest maybe – but not the Pope!” Well — it turns out to be true — the Pope was walking long the highway and spending time talking with astounded tourists. Think how people there at St. Malo were touched by his presence. And Denver which for a time had to close its one seminary now has two vibrant and very active seminaries. Two seminaries! Thank you John Paul the Great. Thank you Lord God for the abundant graces which passed from you through the late Holy Father.

Can those who feel that the Church is completely broken possibly, just possibly end feelings of dissatisfaction and remoteness from the Church and its leadership?  Can we recognize the mostly invisible but all-too-powerful presence of Jesus in His Church? His sometimes broken, ponderous, centralized, but Christ-filled Church. But where Jesus is — and I hope you will see Jesus inside the Sacraments and in many if not most of the clergy — where Jesus is, there too is his Mother. So it’s not all male dominated who are hung up on this objection. And you ought to meet the on-fire and highly educated and powerful nuns in the Denver Archdiocese. You ought to meet the high-powered, in-love-with-the-Church-women of the ENDOW Organization: Educating on the Nature and Dignity of Women.

One reason that St. Augustine cites for his entry into the Catholic Church is the never-ending, hope-filled prayers of his mother Monica.

Whatever your marital status – whoever you are – how about if we agree that it might be time to consider having two women in our lives? Holy Mother Mary can be one of them… and the other is the humanly imperfect but divinely powered Holy Mother Church.

Your Church is no more totally broken — any more than society is completely broken.  There is hope built upon the promises of Christ: Behold, I will be with you till the end of time.

CF 123: Flying Solo

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In this episode, David flies solo, sans Allyson. Review of The Dragon’s Eye: The Dragonology Chronicles, Volume One by Dugald A. Steer (Author), Douglas Carrel (Illustrator), Catholic Vitamins, 40 Days for Life, Pat Gohn – Among Women,  Ask Sammy: Why Sammy Got Kicked Out of Heaven,  Final Song: The Only One by Ten Nine courtesy of the Podsafe Music Network, now known as Mevio. Graphic: Spitfire Airplane by Molock67

Deacon Tom: Jesus Wouldn’t Let Go of My Hands

I’ve often wondered about the average age of those who listen to David and Allyson’s podcast. I would guess — although the Sweeneys would know better — I would guess that they have a wide range of audience — but most would be in their 30’s and 40’s. What do you think?

I ask about this because if this is true about the age range, then it’s likely that almost none of the audience has had to face the tough, tough decisions related to putting a parent into a nursing home. It may sound like a down-subject, but please stick with this column. I had to face this issue some years ago with my mom. She had end-stage congestive heart failure and she cycled in and out of serious ‘health-crashes.’ The medical team at the hospital under the direction of mom’s doctor pretty much decided that she would be passing soon. But it could be a week or a month or more. I was the only child left from our family and we lived on the west coast while mom lived in Detroit. My wife and I both had careers so it was a guilt-ridden time in our lives. We placed mom in an east-Detroit nursing home where she had some good days and some days of labored breathing.

Eventually, mom did pass and we had the funeral Mass at her church (Queen of Peace in Harper Woods, Michigan). The Mass was celebrated by mom’s favorite priest, Fr. Lentini who had known and pastored mom for many earlier years. We then faced the quick decisions necessary about shutting down the physical presence of a person’s life. We put her condo up for sale… my wife Dee and I went through her things.

A lot went to a nearby monastery which had a thrift shop for the needy. Many larger things we shipped to our daughters and to our own home in the San Francisco area.

As I said, this may sound like a not-so-pleasant topic to be writing a column about. Well — there is a purpose to this, and first I share that in this kind of time in your life, you do what you have to do and you move on. Mom has had more Masses said for her… she (and my late father and brother) are mentioned almost daily in my own Mass intentions. So overall — I hope and feel that mom is in heaven although I still pray for God’s mercy for her.

This topic leads me to another story that I really wanted to share with you. As deacon, the pastor has asked me to visit a nearby elder-care nursing home. I take Holy Communion to a group of eight to ten residents. One of the men is a priest who is struggling with what would appear to be an early form of dementia. He wants my help to ‘leave’ this facility. I told him I can’t do that but that I would be happy to come and be a deacon if he did a daily Mass in his room. As I left him, he said, “Come here – let me give you my blessing.”  He laid hands on me and gave me a great and meaningful blessing. It was very nice and pastoral of him.

But here’s the real heart of this column and the story I wanted to get to. One lady — I would guess her to be about 70 or a little more… she is in nearly full-blown dementia, and she’s in a lock-down area.

I’ve taken her Communion several times. And recently – she’s been sleeping and refused to get up — she hasn’t wanted the Eucharist. The other day, I went through my rounds, and when I got to this lady, Eleanor’s room, her door was firmly shut. It seemed odd. So I went to the nurse’s station and asked about Eleanor. The attendant said, “Oh she’s sleeping a lot and she doesn’t get up until about lunch time.”  I looked at my watch and it wasn’t even eleven AM yet… but I decided to see how she was doing. I knocked on the door — and woke her up.

True to recent practice, she didn’t want to receive Holy Communion and she said she didn’t feel very well. Rather than leave her — I asked if she’d mind if I said a prayer over her? She didn’t refuse so I blessed myself and her and I recited the Our Father. She became a little bit more ‘present’ to this visit and I started talking to her about how things were going. She told me — in a rather confused narration that she didn’t feel very good most of the time… but that she really loved the Catholic Church and the Mass. She kept calling me ‘Father,’ even though I had told her I was a deacon a couple times.

I struggled to keep conversation going — asking her where she was from before Arizona. The answer was Indiana — from South Bend. I asked if she was from near Notre Dame and she smiled and said, “Oh Yes!” I asked her about her parish and about any priest she remembered back there. She did have a church name that came out quickly — and she mentioned a priest name a couple times. She said she loved it when he said Mass.

Now what I want you to know is that during a part of this more animated conversation, she had taken one of my hands and she kept holding on to it. She became more interested in what we were talking about although, quite frankly — her mind did wander. But she was enjoying the sharing.

Finally — she took my other hand — she held both of my hands quite tightly. It would have taken effort to remove my hands. She started saying, “Thank you… thank you for coming to visit me. I’ve enjoyed this so much. Thank you.” She was very animated and her face looked radiant for these moments.

And as I watched her speaking to me – it came to me in a firm image that this was Jesus. He said he’d be the one we visit when we visit the sick and the dying. He said it would be Him whom we visit in prison. He said we wouldn’t always recognize Him — and sometimes we won’t get the reward that I got the other day… because you know what happened to me?

Jesus wouldn’t let go of my hands. It was awesome!

Blessings.

Deacon Tom

www.deacontomonline.com

www.catholicvitamins.com

www.catholicmoments.com

www.catholicmom.com

CF 122: Holy Sheet

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In this episode:  Who  is CFP? Laundry Soap Update,  Baby Update, Why did Satan get kicked out of Heaven? New parochial vicar – Fr. Phi, ghostly albs, What does the Catholic Church say about ghosts? Movie Review: Incredible Mr. Limpet, Mail Bag: Jim from Monkey in the Middle Podcast, Mary from MN, Dee from AZ … Continue Reading

Kids Say the Darndest Things

Deacon Tom September Column for the Catholic Family Website

I don’t know if you listen closely to the Sweeney kids – like when they do a podcast… which by the way, we enjoy a lot. Even if I don’t know what those video games nor most of their books are all about. I just enjoy listening to good, clean American youth – the way God intends them to be. At any rate, you can hear them teasing one another a little bit… you can hear them egging one another on from time to time… you can hear them growing and learning. They seem like characters from the Little Rascals or Tom Sawyer or characters from the life and adventures of the Ingalls family of the 19th Century American West. Well, I guess there were no video games on Little House on the Prairie.

Do you remember the wholesome entertainment we used to enjoy – for example the Art Linkletter, and later Bill Cosby CBS television program, “Kids Say the Darndest Things?” When they did that show, they would ask a child (ages maybe 3 to 8 years old) a question. The results were somewhere between cute and hilarious to listen to what the kids came up with.

There are cute stories which may have originated on that program. Do you remember this one? “A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus.”

There are some things said in our family that I thought to share with you. I remember our first daughter Barbara at about 2 years of age… she was cajoled into trying to eat something she didn’t like the looks of. She almost gagged as she said, “I can’t like that mommy!”
And – from the ‘out of the mouths of babe’s category – our four year old grand daughter Libby came up with this one. But let me give you some background. Her mom, our daughter Barbara was sitting with Libby at the breakfast table. The subject came up about where mommy (Barbara) was born. The answer is Washington, D. C. That led to talking about Washington as the place where the White House is… where the president lives, and how Americans choose their president. There was a quiet moment or two and Libby said, “Mommy, do you know who I think would be a good president? God!” Amen and bingo Libby… bingo. You get the gold star. And we should become more like children – I think we’ve been told that somewhere before.

And this came out of our five year old grandson Holden. He was riding in the car with his mom. “Mom… you know what I’d like to be?” “No, Holden – what would you like to be?” “I’d like to be a nun.” “Oh really. Do you know what a nun is?” “Sure mom – a nun does nothing… NONE. That’s what I’d like to be …. a NONE.” I wonder if he heard that as a joke some place or if that’s a true story?

Kids are certainly the ‘Meat Tenderizer’ of our hearts. It’s one of the ways that God softens the sometimes hard and demanding and painful tasks of being parents. One of our email and on-line friends told us about her four year old son and something he said.

Julian’s mother was trying to get him to go to bed at a fixed and earlier time. She talked to him about getting a routine going… a schedule for going to bed every night. He told her “I don’t like a schedule and I don’t like the way you’re talking. I’m going to make you go to Time Out.”

How do you keep from laughing when you’re trying to be serious and your young one tells you he’s going to put you in time out?

I would like to ask David and Allyson if we could start a Kids Say the Darndest Things page on this site. Well maybe not because it’s another task in an already busy world. But if we did start it… and if it got going, I’ll bet it would get hundreds and hundreds of hits. What do you think? You better respond to this column idea – or I’ll put you in Time Out.

Oh – before I forget – would you come visit Dee and the Deke over at our new www.catholicvitamins.com ?
Blessings.
Deacon Tom
www.deacontomonline.com
www.catholicvitamins.com
www.catholicmoments.com
www.catholicmom.com

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”

A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.” The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.” Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”