A Diaphanously Dressed Catholic Lady

Make no mistake… Deacon Tom does appreciate beauty! The beauty of the Mass and Eucharist… the beauty of God’s creation… and all too humanly I’ll add… the beauty of God’s creation of the opposite sex!

And so – a while back… on a nice summer day, I had a meeting at the parish office with a lady. I had only spoken to her on the phone. The subject of our meeting was that this lady wanted to secure a letter recommending her to another parish for this lady to be a baptismal sponsor.

When I came to the office – she was waiting. She was beautiful! Tall and slender and dressed in a diaphanous, filmy outer material which covered an attractive yellow print dress. She had long, very long, black hair and large dark eyes. She could have been a model – she certainly looked like one. (Almost as lovely as Allyson!)

Once into our meeting, she began to tell me how she was reared in the Catholic Faith and how it was important to her. She said she read the Bible just about every day… and she did pray every day. It sounded as if she would make a wonderful role model as a baptismal sponsor.

Now I happened to notice that she didn’t say anything about the Mass, so when I got the opportunity to ask about this, she became a wee bit emotional. Her eyes started to moisten as she admitted that her work (in a profession that does have off and on hours) kept her from getting to church as much as she should. But those other things… the Bible reading, the prayers… she even mentioned fasting. I certainly tried to be an understanding deacon as I looked at this diaphanously dressed Catholic lady.

Fade to black… and here comes a later, second session with this lady. It seems she and the other family members wanted to have the baptism at our parish rather than the previously discussed plan. It seems that the other parish wasn’t too welcoming because there is more to the story. The other (parent) family had some church-practice issues. And this proposed baptismal sponsor hadn’t told me everything. It came out that she had been going to another (non-Catholic) church pretty often. AND — she has been married twice, both times in civil marriages. She had never gotten an annulment of her first marriage.

I guess I was flabbergasted that I hadn’t found this out before. As gently as I could, I said it didn’t sound as if she was a practicing Catholic at all. Now I’ve done it. Now the diaphanous lady was really emotional and crying. Why was the church being so legalistic? What was she supposed to do? Stay in a first marriage where she was physically and emotionally abused? And no, she hadn’t been to the Sacrament of Reconciliation. And what did I mean she shouldn’t be receiving the Eucharist?

All of a sudden – this model – this beautiful lady was pretty upset with the Catholic Church. It wasn’t loving like some other churches she had been to. Hadn’t Jesus already forgiven our sins?

Dear Catholic Family podcast friends… do you understand what has happened with a sizeable segment of our brothers and sisters who have created a homemade faith tailored exactly to their wishes and circumstances? No rules? No laws. No worries… be happy. Until the Church tries to say, “I’m sorry – that’s not being Catholic.”

Catholics come together each week… it’s not a choice. And in our brokenness and sinfulness – we worship together as family. We do our best to practice what the Lord and the Church teaches. When we fail, we go to Confession. We can’t make up rules like three year old children playing the game Candyland.

You may not know that there are people who practice this sort of Christian faith. But in any way – are you like the lady in the diaphanous dress? Have you created a sort of deodorized Christianity?

We need to pray. We need to evangelize. We need to give example and be willing to state with firmness what we believe… who we are. I’d like to hear from you. I really would.

Blessings. Deacon Tom

www.deacontomonline.com

http://catholicmoments.com

www.catholicmom.com

CF102: Staint Sanislows

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In this episode: Abundant Blessings, making bows, groceries,  we’re winners, Why are we so blessed?  All Souls Gloria? Mailbag: Deacon Tom, Deaconette Dee’s 70th birthday,  Debbie from Falls Church VA. Big thank you goes out to April Swenson for the chocolate-covered pretzels.

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Sweeney’s House Blessing

CF101: Catholic Family 101

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In this episode: Catholic Family 101,  Bob’s surgery,  4-H podcast,  Confirmation Retreat, Mail Bag: Mary from Seattle, Brenda from Pennsylvania,  Mary from Minnesota.

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Talk, Talk or Communication in Your Family

Deacon Tom, the Catholic Family ‘e-Chaplain’

Hi dear friends of the Catholic Family from Texas… no that’s not my wife and me… THE Catholic Family is the Sweeneys from Texas. We’ve never met in person although I sure would like to do that. But we have shared email communication – and as listeners, we have come to think of them from the ways they share their lives on the podcasts.

The format of their program is a mix of them – some unvarnished them… mixed with some sound-seeing from time to time… the sounds of rushing waters in a river they are vacationing in… or the sounds of a rain storm… or the sound of dripping water in their recording studio. (What architect worked on that design by the way?)

They say that David Sweeney has a psychology degree… may God help Allyson and the kids (grin). I bring this up because I wonder what communication is like in the Sweeney household. It sounds as if it’s pretty good. I’m sure they have their moments.

My wife and I have some open sharing. But she tends to be ‘The Ignorer.’ And I tend to be a ‘stuffer.’ I’ve heard that you can never really stuff anything because it always comes out in a different way or place. How is communication in your home? Is it talk, talk, talk? Or is it communication? A mix of both?

From time to time, I read articles about relationships. And in the seminary when I was studying to become a deacon – they spent a lot of time on our weekends of spiritual formation concentrating on marriage enrichment and repair work with husbands and wives required to be present. If you would think that deacons would have holy, holy marriages with perfect kids – Oy Veh – you are sure in for a surprise. (Speaking of communication, how do you spell oyveh by the way??)

I just received a column from a Father Lou Guntzelman who writes in the Ohio Community Press. Fr. Lou says that mere talk stifles relations while communication deepens a relationship. He wrote: “One would think that if we live in close association with a person we want to increasingly love, we would communicate often. One would think that communication flows easily between close friends and spouses…. A great difference exists between talking and communicating. Talk is often called cheap because it doesn’t cost much. It consists in mindlessly meeting streams of words, superficialities, and common information.”

I know what Father Lou is getting at — but it sure doesn’t make it any easier to do in our relationship. I mean if I ‘communicate’ with my wife, she might get to know what I’m really thinking. What if she doesn’t respond – I will have opened myself up… exposed myself and there won’t be any concern or sympathy or understanding.

Worse yet – what if she opened up and told me something from her gut. What is she said she doesn’t like the way I treated someone. I mean, for heaven’s sake – I might have to explain or defend myself.

A book that we used in our deacon formation classes is called “Fighting For Your Marriage.” It’s described as a best-selling marriage enhancement and divorce prevention book. (The authors started this from some very significant work at the University of Denver. The last names of the authors are Markman, Stanley and Blumberg The Book is published by Jossey-Bass – a Wiley Company out of San Francisco).

Now there are different types of communication between husband and wife. There is casual talk: who picks up the kids after soccer practice, who will shop for groceries, etc. While these words are often done in the times of repetitive struggles to just keep us with daily life – this ‘casual talk’ must be done with love and consideration. My son-in-law reminds me of this when he says, “Happy Wife… Happy Life.” That said, if casual talk is the only talk in a marriage – for heaven’s sake seek help! Go away for a weekend and work to rekindle the reasons you fell in love. Tell the other person exactly that…

Next, there is ‘conflict or issue talking.’ That’s where this program comes in (most especially for problems). And finally – there’s ‘friendship’ talk – the kind of talk a couple needs when they want to stay together. Friendship talk is for building intimacy, attachment, security… what we call the ‘good stuff.’
If we don’t work on healthy ways to handle the conflict and issue talk – we’ll have trouble getting to and enjoying the friendship talk. Going back to Fighting For Your Marriage — one of the seemingly stupid ideas put forth by these highly educated authors is the concept of ‘the FLOOR.’ The Floor is a piece of paper or a 3 X 5 card – on it is written the word, FLOOR. When a couple needs to have a real talk… an issues type talk, they are encouraged to get the 3 X 5 card. And when they get started – only one person can have the Floor at a time. The person with the Floor can talk for (perhaps) 3 to 5 minutes expressing his/her view of a problem or an issue. No negativity is allowed – no attacking. The other person must listen without interruption. He or she is then handed the Floor. Guess what that person must do? The one receiving the Floor must start by saying, “What I heard you say is this: _____________. Is that what you said?” This requires a clear expression of what the first person said so that both parties are talking about and responding to the exact same issue. Sound easy? Sound silly? Try it if you have communications struggles in your family. After a while of using this technique – couples dispense with the 3 X 5 card… because the ebb and flow of their talk respects the idea of one person talking – the other listening and repeating what was said before responding.

There are other guidelines in this Fighting For Your Marriage book and program. But the key is to ‘frame’ a discussion with little or no emotion. This concentrates on a problem and ways to work on it.

As a deacon – I’ve worked with couples to prepare them for marriage. Statistics tell us that perhaps as many as 50 percent will wind up in divorce court. Even the ones who go through Catholic marriage preparation suffer from this societal problem. Everyone loves their partner when they get married. No one loves their partner when they divorce. What’s going on? For many of them – it is a safe bet that it was ‘talk, talk, talk’ followed by ‘talk, boredom, talk’ followed by argument, anger, divorce court.

I’d like to hear from you if you have some tips or tools that have worked for you. I’d like to hear from you if you worked your way through tough times.

Blessings. Deacon Tom

www.deacontomonline.com
www.catholicmom.com
www.catholicmoments.com